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Damn, could last night have been more dramatic? I'm realizing it felt that way because I've been safe here in my little family bubble for so long now, that it made last night all the more intense. I guess I'm not used to feeling so strongly about someone when there isn't lust involved in any way. Like, I actually care about him. It's just weird. But after talking with Heather and my parents about all this mess, and yes, I consult my parents for advice about this stuff, I really feel like I can't do anything more for Ty. My Dad pointed out that even if I were to manipulate Ty into coming with us somehow, Ty would want me to take care of him up there. Solve all his problems for him. He has to learn how to do this on his own. It has to be his choice, or he will learn nothing. He's just in this stage in his life where he has to figure out who he is and what he wants. And I'm beyond that stage right now. I'm a little farther up on the maturity stairway, and I have to let him ascend on his own. One of the big mysteries about this though, is that this is the third time a guy has said to me: "I can't believe you're leaving me." The third time. As if my reasons for moving or traveling is solely based on leaving them behind. Yah, right. I was noticing though, that all three boys that said this to me have some interesting similarities. All three are sensitive, emotional, and have tough family lives. All three were basically raised by their single mothers. I really don't know if there's a link here, but there must be. There's been others too.. guys who truly feel that I'm the one that can save them. My Dad thinks these types are drawn to my decisive nature. I make a decision about what I want, and I go after it. Which is something these types of guys have serious problems with doing. Maybe he's right. Maybe they all saw something in me that they admire.. that they wish they had. They want some of that to rub off on them. This would explain why Ty sought me out now.. when he's lost, and knows he has to make a big decision. I hope last night helped him get closer to figuring out what to do. I really hope that.

Last night I found myself lying in my bed, bawling like a baby, completely overwhelmed with emotion. I found it so ironic that this is one of many guys I've cried over for the same ridiculous reason.. He wanted me to save him, but I can't save him. I'm realizing today I need to let go of this Superman syndrome. I can't save these guys. They need to save themselves. I don't know how they manage to find me, or how I manage to find them.. these screwed up guys, so desperately in need of therapy and not a savior. At least not an earthly one. I mean, am I wearing a cape without my knowledge? What makes them think I can save them? Just cause I have my shit together, in theory at least, it doesn't mean I can put them back together again. As much as I want to. And I need to let it go. I need to let them go. I have to hope and pray that they find their own way, and I need to let them. The thing is, I'm very impulsive.. I have no patience. And the change they need to make in their lives and in themselves, takes time. A lot of time. And I need to give them that. I want to fix them all quick like, but that's just not how it works. They need to do it themselves, and they need time to do it. So, I'm gonna give them that. I'm backing my savior train up, and getting back on my own train. I owe them that.. And I owe myself that.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
caveman04
Jan. 5th, 2005 05:58 pm (UTC)
I consult my family on stuff like that too.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to let them go, make their own mistakes and live their own lives. A friend shouldn't depend on you to do everything and to make every situation better. I think youre better off letting him do his own thing. That's the only way he'll ever grow up and learn
kdbutterfly
Jan. 6th, 2005 12:19 am (UTC)
My parents have seriously given me some of the best advice about my love life. Especially my Dad. His advice is always so practical and right on. The funny thing is, when I was in junior high and high school, I never went to him for advice. Now that I'm older and have gotten over the whole 'being ashamed of your parents' stage, it's really been great.

So yah, I was definitely putting too much pressure on myself the other night. He needs to grow up on his own. There's something inside of me that wants to be the one that saves them. But I'm realizing that only they can save themselves.
lindsabum
Jan. 9th, 2005 04:57 pm (UTC)
you're right, they do need to find their own way. they're old enough to take their lives into their own hands, you can't fix it for them. i think that you are very mature and i'd hate for Ty to go with you and then expect you to help/support him there. I obviously don't know Ty so I don't know if he'd do that. but i do know that you're mature, you seem to have your life together and you don't need a guy to keep you from getting the most out of your life.
kdbutterfly
Jan. 10th, 2005 04:01 am (UTC)
Yah, I'm starting on this new path now. A path that's headed in a direction that I want it to be headed. I can't wait around for Ty to get his act together, and I can't force him to better his situation and leave this place either. Our early twenties are a time for self-discovery, and we can't let ourselves stop walking or switch paths entirely for someone else. I wish him luck, I do. But he needs to find his own way.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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