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Suddenly things are coming to a head for you, Kdbutterfly. The drama is escalating and you are not sure if you can remember all of your lines. Take things one step at a time. Deal with the issues as they come. If you get a head of yourself, you might get overwhelmed by what you fear will be too daunting of a situation than you can handle. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Wow.. I'm leaving tomorrow, and I'm freaking out. I mean, I'm definitely excited, but I seriously feel like I'm flying into the complete unknown. It's freaky and awesome all at once. I haven't heard from Ronnie in a few days.. his cell phone's disconnected now, so I'm just hoping I can find him at the airport. He wrote down my info a couple times, so I'm hoping he'll be there. If he's not, I'll be fine, cause the car's in my name and everything.. but I really want him there, ya know? I think if I can't find him, I'll just have him paged, and if he still doesn't show, I guess I'll just head to my cousin's and email him.. I'm not sure. I hope it won't come to that though. I suppose I need to just re-read my horoscope for tomorrow again, and just calm down. Whew, it's just such a whirlwind of emotion I have right now. It's hard to keep myself steady. It's like I'm going to college for the first time again.. that's how this feels. Cause I have absolutely no clue what exactly is going to happen out there. It came so fast too. It's so weird to be planning and thinking about something for so long, and then all of a sudden it's happening. And you find yourself trying to catch up emotionally to what's happening around you. I still have to pack.. can you believe it? Granted, most of the clothes I'm taking are in the dryer ready to be put in the suitcase.. so at least I know what I'm taking. It's just a matter of putting it all in there. I have to wake up in 5 hours to take a shower. Ug. I figure I can just sleep on the plane. It's about a 6 hour flight, so I'll have time. So I guess I should go to pack now. This is so crazy.. yipe. It's a good crazy. But still very crazy. I hope there's a good life out there waiting for me. I guess more than anything, I'm just searching for my calling.. searching for a place to belong. I'm not sure if it's there, but I am positive it's the next step in finding what I'm looking for. Here's hoping it's the answer I'm seeking. Aloha, everybody! =)

P.S. Ronnie just called me. He told me he bought a car from this girl who was moving for only $200.. And he got the day off from work, so he said he'll definitely be there. Yay.

I'm back!!

I'm all moved in! Things here have been going great. Granted, not much has happened except the move itself, but it's so nice to finally have a place all my own. The apartment is incredible. I can't believe we're getting such a great deal on it. It's seriously huge. It feels more like a house than an apartment, since it's upstairs and downstairs. And we're throwing our first little shindig tonight, so that's very exciting. We're gonna make margaritas!! Woo hoo!! This past 5 days I've been very focused on getting unpacked and decorating. Now that that's all complete, I suppose it's finally time to get social. It felt so weird walking to the library today. Like I should have a backpack on or something, hehe. We currently don't have the internet in the apartment, but we should be getting it in the next couple weeks. So I've been using the school's library, which has been quite a walk down memory lane, let me tell ya. Walking through the neighborhood made me almost feel like I didn't belong, just cause it's seriously been so long since I've lived here. It feels like a lifetime ago, but then again, it feels like just yesterday. The students don't seem all that young to me though, so that's good. That's when you know you're getting too old. When everyone looks like youngins. But really, I haven't run into that here, so yay. Tonight should be great fun. John has yet to call me, so I might give him a call tonight, against my better judgment, hehe. I may even call Luke against my WAY better judgment. Depends on how many margaritas I have, haha. Anyways, that's my current update! Yay for moving! The weather's been really nice here too, which is very surprising. It's been in the 60's and we've actually seen a lot of the sun! And this area is absolutely beautiful in the light of day. As well as the dark of night. It's good to be home.

Packing, here I come...

So tonight I'm going to start packing. Considering I'm leaving early Thursday morning, tonight would probably be a good time to start. Actually, last week would have been a good time to start, but eh. I'm filled with that nervous/excited energy that fills you when your life is about to radically change. I live for feelings like this. Newness. It's a beautiful thing. Tomorrow night I'll be filled these feelings as well as a sadness for leaving my family. But tonight, that sadness is nowhere to be found. That's what's so great about starting my packing tonight instead of cramming it all into tomorrow night. Tomorrow might be a tad more emotional, making something like packing slightly more work. Also, tomorrow I will be going to Fry's and Bath and Body Works for gift certificate spending. My Mom wanted me to get my car serviced, but I really really don't want to bring it in. I always end up getting overcharged, and it always seems so unnecessary to me. I just got all new tires, and I got my oil changed before I went to Oregon in August, so I really feel like I'll be fine for the drive up there. It's a relatively new car too.. a 2001 VW Golf. I so wish they had offered an Auto Shop class at my high school or something, cause I feel so clueless when I open up the hood and look in. But I absolutely do not trust mechanics not to overcharge me. I know I'd probably have to take my Dad or brother to come with me so I don't get screwed, but they're way too busy to come with me, so I don't want to go at all. Being a girl with no car knowledge really sucks sometimes. Honestly, my car should be fine. And I have AAA, so even if the worst should happen, we'll deal with it.

I'm wondering if we'll have to drive through any snow. The cool thing is, the weather's clearing up just as we're about to leave. The forecast for CA and OR is clear for the trip. So yay to that. Me and the fam will be stopping at Hearst Castle, which is a really nice place to visit. I went there once when I was 10, and it was a great time. Then we're driving to Redding and staying there that night. On Friday we're driving from Redding to Eugene, which may or not be a rather challenging drive. We have to go through a couple of mountainous passes.. granted they're both on the I-5, so they keep it rather nice and cleaned up. I'm hoping I won't have to deal with putting chains on the tires. Blah to that. But it should be fine. Hopefully I'll get all my clothes packed tonight, cause that will take the longest. That way tomorrow night I can make a mixed cd or two, and finish packing up the rest of my car with lamps, a mirror, a vacuum, a blender, my quesadilla maker, my boom box & cd player, my computer(which my cousin will be fixing tomorrow night), movies and cd's, books, pictures, my little plastic drawers and my bulletin board. I think that's it. Phew. Lots of work ahead of me. It's all good though. I'm up to the challenge. I'll just throw some cd's in the player to pump me up, and pack away. This move is going to do wonders for me. It's amazing how incredible your life can be when it's completely your own. I'm so looking forward to the changes to come.

almost there...

My Sprint phone is now fully functional, and I've been having way too much fun messing around with it today. I found these sites to download free ringtones and free screensavers. It's been a little too exciting for me, haha. Amazing how much joy something like this can bring when one currently does not have a life. But it's okay. My phone is so cool now. And that's awesome. Other than that, I really didn't accomplish much. Heather's found a new boy, which is a wonderful thing. Her ex doesn't deserve a second more of her time. We're slowly but surely gathering up all the things we need for the apartment. Only two more nights after tonight, and then me and the fam are driving northward! So soon! I'm so happy. It feels amazing to finally have my life headed somewhere again. I almost feel like I did right before I went up to college, but with more intelligence and experience. This is the beginning of an exciting new chapter of my life. I'm more than ready. Well.. at least emotionally.

numerologically speaking...

Kdbutterfly, Your Personal Year number for 2005 is 1:

Be ready for major changes. You will be inspired to start new projects or enterprises. You will feel a strong forward push toward new goals.

This is a time for vision and planning. Share your dream with others; make plans, get the necessary support, but, above all, rely on yourself as the driving force. Be decisive!

You are starting a new nine year Epicycle. Everything you do now will affect your future. Do not hold back the inner force of creation. Be direct, daring, bold.

You will have more confidence and determination this year, particularly in comparison with last year, which was a time of letting go. This year represents a time of birth. It's a time to take charge and to apply yourself to your dream.

This is also a good time to make the personal changes you have long wanted to make: start a diet, an exercise program, begin a new course of study.

There may be some emotional turmoil, especially in the first two or three months. It takes a while to get the ball rolling. There are many changes you must make and much work to be done.

Be open-minded, organized, and focused. Avoid distractions and procrastination.

You are at a crossroads. You will need courage and a clear head to stay on the right track.

This is a year of opportunities.

The key months in your year ahead are March, in which you are able to lay the foundation to your plans; April, in which changes take place such as a change of residence or career; July and August mark a time in which you will see the fruits of your labors begin to take place; October represents a major turn in events, often fraught with emotional turmoil; the fall marks a coalescing of your plans into more concrete form.
Damn, could last night have been more dramatic? I'm realizing it felt that way because I've been safe here in my little family bubble for so long now, that it made last night all the more intense. I guess I'm not used to feeling so strongly about someone when there isn't lust involved in any way. Like, I actually care about him. It's just weird. But after talking with Heather and my parents about all this mess, and yes, I consult my parents for advice about this stuff, I really feel like I can't do anything more for Ty. My Dad pointed out that even if I were to manipulate Ty into coming with us somehow, Ty would want me to take care of him up there. Solve all his problems for him. He has to learn how to do this on his own. It has to be his choice, or he will learn nothing. He's just in this stage in his life where he has to figure out who he is and what he wants. And I'm beyond that stage right now. I'm a little farther up on the maturity stairway, and I have to let him ascend on his own. One of the big mysteries about this though, is that this is the third time a guy has said to me: "I can't believe you're leaving me." The third time. As if my reasons for moving or traveling is solely based on leaving them behind. Yah, right. I was noticing though, that all three boys that said this to me have some interesting similarities. All three are sensitive, emotional, and have tough family lives. All three were basically raised by their single mothers. I really don't know if there's a link here, but there must be. There's been others too.. guys who truly feel that I'm the one that can save them. My Dad thinks these types are drawn to my decisive nature. I make a decision about what I want, and I go after it. Which is something these types of guys have serious problems with doing. Maybe he's right. Maybe they all saw something in me that they admire.. that they wish they had. They want some of that to rub off on them. This would explain why Ty sought me out now.. when he's lost, and knows he has to make a big decision. I hope last night helped him get closer to figuring out what to do. I really hope that.

Last night I found myself lying in my bed, bawling like a baby, completely overwhelmed with emotion. I found it so ironic that this is one of many guys I've cried over for the same ridiculous reason.. He wanted me to save him, but I can't save him. I'm realizing today I need to let go of this Superman syndrome. I can't save these guys. They need to save themselves. I don't know how they manage to find me, or how I manage to find them.. these screwed up guys, so desperately in need of therapy and not a savior. At least not an earthly one. I mean, am I wearing a cape without my knowledge? What makes them think I can save them? Just cause I have my shit together, in theory at least, it doesn't mean I can put them back together again. As much as I want to. And I need to let it go. I need to let them go. I have to hope and pray that they find their own way, and I need to let them. The thing is, I'm very impulsive.. I have no patience. And the change they need to make in their lives and in themselves, takes time. A lot of time. And I need to give them that. I want to fix them all quick like, but that's just not how it works. They need to do it themselves, and they need time to do it. So, I'm gonna give them that. I'm backing my savior train up, and getting back on my own train. I owe them that.. And I owe myself that.

Jan. 3rd, 2005

In the year 2005 I resolve to:

Stop being a productive member of society.

Get your resolution here


I am getting so very excited about this move. And yes, Christmas was yesterday, and it was a wonderful Christmas, but this move has been on the forefront of my mind. I guess it's because this is the first time I'll have my very own place. And that is just so exciting. Freshman year, I lived in the dorms. Sophomore-Senior year, I lived in the sorority house. When I studied abroad in London, I lived with a host family. When I was working at that summer camp in the Poconos, I had to live in the cabin, controlled and patrolled by the higher ups of the camp. When I lived in Germany, I had to live in a hotel that was also laced with all these rules. This will be the first time ever that I'll have a place that's just mine. I don't have to worry about coming home too late, or bringing a guy home with me, or drinking, or partying with whoever, whenever and wherever.. it's just all up to me. Granted, I am living with Heather, but seriously she is like another me. We are two peas in a pod. And we've lived together before, in the sorority house and in Germany, so we already know how to communicate about things roommates must communicate about. Like bills and cleaning up, or whatever else. So it's a very exciting thing. Though, I know a lot of it also is just getting back to Oregon. Back to Eugene. Back to a place that I really do consider home.

Tomorrow Heather's calling up the owner of the apartment to let him know that we're faxing in our applications to him by Tuesday, and also find out if he wants us to mail him the deposit, or do it over the phone, or what. It's also to make sure he knows we are dead serious about this place. And we make good on our payments. And though this place is like, 90% ours in my mind because of what the guy already said, and because I left him that message to say we'd take it, the phone call with him tomorrow is really it. He confirms with us tomorrow that the place is really ours. So if the call goes well with him tomorrow, this thing is 100% happening. Cause me and Heather already have the money ready, so if he says it's ours, that's it. I'm slightly nervous, cause I want this so much, and that paranoid part of my brain is worried that he changed his mind. Though that makes no sense, because even if he didn't tell us that we could just let him know on his message machine and that'd be it, there'd be no way he'd find another buyer on Christmas Eve or Christmas, cause he wasn't in the office. And today was Sunday, so he wasn't doing business today either. So though I know it's pretty much in the bag, I just want that 100% assurance. I want him to tell us the place is ours. And when he says that, I can fully rejoice about this.

Though, me and Heather are already planning how to decorate it. Which can I just say, is so very fun. I need to think about how I want to decorate my room. I've never been big on interior decorating, but I really want my room to be a fun place to be. So I'm definitely thinking it through. I know I want pictures all over the wall. That's always been one of my favorite ways to liven up rooms. But I want to do it in a creative way, so I'm giving that thought. Anyways, it's fun stuff. But after tomorrow is when I'm really gonna get down and dirty with it. Like tell all the Oregonian friends that I'm finally moving. Like John. He's gonna be shocked, I think. Cause seriously, I talk with him about moving up there so much, that I'm pretty sure it's just white noise to him now. But once he knows it's really happening, and he finds out the place and the date, he'll know it's finally real. I'm not completely sure how he'll react actually. I think it'd be funny if he decided to move down here or finally go to Europe or somewhere else, right when I move up there. That'd be classic. And really with us, it wouldn't surprise me at all. We're all about narrow misses.. the timing's just never right with us. It's more comical than anything else really. It's probably for the best though, we'd suck at being a couple. He thinks the opposite, but I'm a girl, so I'm smarter, haha. Anyways, after tomorrow, I'll know for sure. We'll see what happens! The odds are with us, but tomorrow we'll know without a shadow of a doubt. Tomorrow has potential to be an incredible day.

2004 Survey

I never do these things, but I feel like this is a great idea in honor of the coming new year.
Stolen from kathleenbarbie!

2004, baby!Collapse )